Breaking the Patterns of Codependency and Self-Abandonment

by | Apr 7, 2026 | Relationships

How Good People Lose Themselves in Relationships and How to Take Your Power Back

Have you ever been really excited about a new relationship, only to find yourself slipping back into old patterns pretty quickly?

If you have, know that you are not alone. Science actually has a practical answer for why this happens, and more importantly, it is something you have the power to change. I want to walk you through how, step by step.

Meet Chris and Emily

I recently did a joint session with a couple named Chris and Emily. Newlyweds who truly loved one another and were completely all in on their relationship.

But something wasn’t working and they couldn’t quite put their finger on it.

Chris shared, “I feel like I’m constantly managing everything so we don’t have conflict. I’m just exhausted.”

Emily said, “I don’t feel supported. I feel like I’m carrying everything emotionally alone.”

They were both slowly disappearing from the back and forth of not feeling seen or heard, despite their best efforts to love and support one another. This wasn’t from a lack of effort. There was something deeper going on and it didn’t take long to see what was actually at play.

When Chris married Emily, he didn’t just marry her. He married her enmeshed relationship with her family, particularly her mother. Emily talked to her mom every day and ran most decisions by her. She felt her mom’s pressure when she couldn’t respond, and became anxious and easily agitated until she could reach out and connect again. Her mom was easily upset and projected a lot of her emotions onto Emily. This was all Emily had ever known, so she genuinely believed this dynamic was nothing out of the ordinary.

Chris had his own pattern running quietly alongside hers.

He grew up as the middle child and peacekeeper of his family. His job was to manage everyone’s emotions and keep things running smoothly, and he carried that same role directly into his marriage. He thought he was doing the right thing by avoiding conflict, fixing whatever seemed off, and making sure Emily was okay. He genuinely believed this was his duty as her partner and protector.

What neither of them could see was that Chris had become addicted to approval. He had organized his entire life around keeping others comfortable, and in doing so, had completely lost himself along the way. He didn’t know what he wanted, what he felt, or who he even was outside of how others responded to him. Peace at any price had become his default way of operating.

Emily, on the other hand, had stepped into a dominant and controlling role, not because she wanted to, but because someone had to lead and Chris kept stepping back. She was exhausted by a position she never auditioned for and resentful of a dynamic she didn’t fully understand. In trying to hold everything together, she had drifted far from her own softness, and she felt that loss too, even if she couldn’t name it yet.

If you zoom out, you can see that Chris and Emily were running the same nervous system pattern, just showing up differently in each of them. They were both tracking other people’s emotional states and managing other people’s emotions before their own. This left them both slowly losing themselves and growing resentful without even realizing it was happening.

When I explained what I was witnessing, they looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.

Because to them, it was just life. It was all they had ever known.

*Btw, if Chris and Emily do not address this, they will unconsciously pass these patterns onto their children. That is, until someone in their lineage is brave enough and mature enough (not driven by an insecure ego) to actually work through this stuff, even though it will be bumpy. 

Let’s Name What’s Actually Happening

This is not a mindset problem. It is a nervous system pattern, one that was most likely learned in childhood as a way to keep you safe and connected to the people you depended on. You cannot think your way out of it, but you can understand it, and that understanding is where everything begins to shift.

Codependency is a relational pattern where your sense of safety, identity, or emotional stability becomes tied to another person. You find yourself taking responsibility for how others feel, monitoring them more than yourself, feeling anxious when someone else is not okay, and losing clarity on your own needs entirely. These patterns run well below conscious thought. Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety, and if safety becomes linked to keeping others okay, it learns to prioritize them without any effort on your part at all.

Self-abandonment is the internal experience inside that pattern. It is the repeated act of overriding your own truth to maintain connection. Saying yes when something feels completely off. Avoiding honesty to prevent tension. Giving when you are already running on empty. In the moment, your system is simply choosing what it has always chosen, safety over self.

Enmeshment is when the line between where you end and someone else begins has dissolved. You feel their emotions as your own. Their anxiety activates yours. Their bad mood becomes your problem to solve. It can feel like closeness, even deep loyalty, but underneath it is a nervous system that has lost its own anchor and stays permanently oriented outward toward others.

Approval addiction is the invisible engine underneath people-pleasing. It is not just wanting others to be happy. It is needing their approval to feel okay about yourself. Every decision Chris made filtered through one question: will this keep the peace? His sense of self had become so dependent on external validation that he had no real self to bring to his marriage. And the sad truth was that Emily didn’t even fully know her husband, because it had never felt safe for him to show up as his true self.

Where This Begins

None of this is your fault. And it likely didn’t start in your adult relationships.

Think about what it is like to be a small child. You cannot feed yourself, regulate yourself, or keep yourself safe. The people around you are everything. So when being fully yourself risks losing their love or disrupting the peace, your nervous system makes a decision without asking you. It suppresses the self in service of the relationship.

Dr. Gabor Mate’s research shows us that children face a fundamental conflict between the need to be authentically themselves and the need to stay attached to the people they depend on for survival. When those two things come into conflict, the nervous system does not hesitate. It chooses attachment every time.

Stay connected. Stay safe. Even if it costs you yourself.

So the child learns: if I manage her emotions, she stays calm and I stay loved. If I keep the peace, the family holds together. If I make myself agreeable and easy, the love keeps coming. These are not bad lessons. They were survival strategies that made complete sense at the time. The problem is they do not expire on their own.

Dr. Peter Levine’s work shows us that these adaptations do not live in the mind. They live in the body. The pattern becomes reflexive and automatic. Your system learned to scan the room before it ever checked in with you. It learned to read everyone else’s emotions faster than it could identify your own. This is why you cannot simply decide to stop people-pleasing. You are not dealing with a bad habit. You are dealing with a deeply wired survival response that has been running quietly in the background of every relationship you have ever been in.

And as Bessel van der Kolk wrote, “the Body Keeps the Score”. What that means in practice is more literal than most people realize.

When you have spent a lifetime with no energetic or emotional boundaries, consistently absorbing other people’s emotions, saying yes when your body is screaming no, and suppressing your own truth to keep the peace, your physical boundaries begin to reflect that same pattern. The immune system starts attacking itself. The gut lining breaks down. The body that never learned to say no on the outside begins to lose its ability to maintain boundaries on the inside.

This is not a metaphor. Researchers in the field of psychoneuroimmunology have documented the direct relationship between chronic stress, emotional suppression, and immune dysregulation. When the nervous system spends years in a state of chronic threat, never fully feeling safe enough to rest, it eventually stops being able to distinguish between what is a real danger and what is simply Tuesday. The immune system follows suit. Instead of protecting the body, it begins attacking it.

Studies have also found that women, who are disproportionately conditioned to people-please, caretake, and suppress their own needs, are significantly more likely to develop autoimmune conditions than men. This is not a coincidence. It is a pattern that directly connects to what happens when a nervous system never learns that it is safe to have needs, safe to say no, and safe to rest.

As Dr. Aimie Apigian states, “so many chronic symptoms are the body’s way of saying what the person has never felt safe enough to say out loud.”

Autoimmune conditions, chronic pain, gut issues, persistent fatigue. For many people these are not random. They are the body finally doing what the person never felt safe enough to do themselves.

It is worth asking honestly: what has the cost of not being yourself actually been?

The good news is that what was wired can be rewired. The nervous system is not fixed. It is responsive, and it responds to new repeated experiences over time. This is what neuroscience calls neuroplasticity, and it is the foundation of everything I do with my clients.

When Family Systems Stay in the Relationship

When Chris finally spoke his truth, things started to shift and open up.

He looked at his wife, took a breath, and said something he had been holding for a long time.

“It doesn’t feel like it’s just us in this marriage. I feel so much pressure from other people, especially your mom. I think she’s a wonderful woman, but it’s a lot on our relationship.”

He looked almost shocked by the words that had just come out of his own mouth.

And Emily sat there, quietly taking in his words. Somewhere underneath the defensiveness that wanted to spew out like lava, she knew he was right. She felt both embarrassed and relieved by his truth. Instead of reacting, she took a moment and allowed the words to soak in. This created a powerful shift between the two of them. Chris needed it to be safe to speak his truth, and for her to receive it, even if she didn’t fully agree.

When enmeshment is present, you don’t just bring yourself to a relationship. You bring everyone and everything that shaped you, the roles you learned to play, the emotional debts you never agreed to carry, and every version of love you were shown before you ever met your partner.

A daughter who grew up responsible for her mother’s emotional world doesn’t leave that at the altar once the vows are read. She carries it into her marriage without even realizing it, through the fights and the moments where she steps in to take control because someone has to, right?

A son who learned that love meant regulating the family doesn’t suddenly stop when he says “I do” either. He just finds a new person to keep happy, or he marries someone who manages and controls him.

Neither of them planned this or did this intentionally. Most of the time, neither of them are even aware it is happening, because it is subconscious.

That is a lot of people in the room for two.

And that is exactly what Chris and Emily were sitting with in that moment. It wasn’t a communication problem or a lack of care. It was simply a learned family system that had never been named or fully healed.

There is good news though. Once you can see it, you can begin to change it.

Boundaries: Where You End and Someone Else Begins

When you hear the word boundary, what comes to mind? Most people tense up. They think of walls, conflict, or the kind of conversation that blows things up.

What if it didn’t have to be that way?

A boundary is simply the honest answer to one of the most important questions you will ever ask yourself: where do I end and where does someone else begin?

Boundaries are not about controlling other people. You cannot control other people, and the attempt to do so is its own form of codependency. A boundary is about knowing yourself clearly enough to communicate what is and is not okay for you, and then holding that with calm, quiet conviction.

Think of it this way. Your skin is a physical boundary. It doesn’t apologize for existing. It doesn’t shrink when someone gets too close. It simply defines where your body ends and the world begins. Emotional and relational boundaries work the same way.

Without this clarity, empathy turns into absorption, genuine care turns into responsibility, and connection quietly turns into enmeshment.

A boundary held with love and clarity is one of the most generous things you can offer another person. It gives them the truth of who you are. And it gives you something you may not have had in a very long time, which is yourself.

How This Shows Up in Language

One of the fastest ways to identify these patterns is through your own language. The words you use every day are not just communication. They are instructions to your subconscious about who is responsible for what.

When you hear yourself saying things like:

“I am happy if you’re happy.” “You make me angry when you do that.” “I hope I can make you happy.” “I’ve got to resolve this so you’ll feel better.”

Notice what all of those sentences have in common. They shift ownership outward. They place your internal experience in someone else’s hands. And over time, your subconscious absorbs that instruction and runs with it: keep others okay, stay connected, give your power away.

Once you start hearing these patterns in your own speech, you really cannot unhear them. And that awareness alone begins to create a little space between the old wiring and your next response.

Upgrading the Pattern

The first step is not to force yourself into a new belief you don’t yet have. Your subconscious will pick up on that quickly and revolt. The idea is to move honestly in a new direction.

The most powerful phrase you can begin using right now is this:

“I am learning to ____.”

This works because it is actually true. It doesn’t ask you to pretend you have already arrived somewhere you haven’t. It simply points your subconscious toward where you are going, consistently and gently, until the new pattern becomes the dominant one.

Try these on and notice what shifts in your body as you read them:

  • “I am learning to source my happiness from within myself.” 
  • “I am learning to own what I feel without making it someone else’s fault.” 
  • “I am learning to let others be responsible for their own emotional experience.”
  • “I am learning to say what I actually need without apology.” 
  • “I am learning that my peace is not dependent on anyone else’s approval.” 
  • “I am learning to stay connected to others without losing connection to myself.” 
  • “I am learning that a clear no is an act of love, not rejection.” 
  • “I am learning that it is safe to take up space.”

You don’t have to believe all of these yet. You just have to be willing to practice them. Your nervous system responds to repetition and consistency over time, not perfection.

From Co-Dependence to Co-Empowerment

Co-dependence is not the opposite of love. It is love without a self beneath it. It is caring so deeply for others that you forgot to remain someone while doing it.

Co-empowerment is what becomes possible when you come back to yourself. It is not two people who need each other to feel okay. It is two whole people who choose each other freely, and whose love doesn’t require either of them to disappear.

Notice the shift in these reframes: 

  • “I am happy if you’re happy.” → “I am happy. And I empower you to find your own happiness.”
  • “You make me angry.” → “A part of me is experiencing anger. I can own it and speak to it.” 
  • “I hope I can make you happy.” → “I choose to be happy and I empower you to do the same.”
  • “I’ve got to fix this so you feel better.” → “I am committed to finding a resolution together. What about you?” 
  • “I can’t say no without feeling guilty.” → “I am learning that my no creates space for an honest yes.” 
  • “I don’t know what I want.” → “I am learning to hear my own voice again.”

This shift is about finally having enough of yourself to genuinely give in a healthy way.

Recognize that it is a basic human need to have desires, a voice, boundaries, opinions, dreams and needs. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting these things or reclaiming them.

Somewhere underneath all the accommodating and managing and shrinking, a part of you has been waiting for you to come home to your truth.

Expressing your own dreams and needs may feel unfamiliar at first, and that is okay. Like any new skill, it takes practice to make it a natural habit.

Increasing Your Sense of Self: The Case for Solitude

Here is something most people never consider when doing this kind of work.

You cannot find yourself while remaining lost in the noise.

We live in an era of constant stimulation, phones, notifications, other people’s opinions, other people’s needs. For someone who has spent years organized around everyone else, this level of external input can become a way to avoid the one thing that actually heals this pattern, which is time alone with yourself.

Here is what I have seen again and again working with clients: the quality of every relationship in your life is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. Not your achievements, not your personality, not how much you give to others. The relationship you have with you. And for most people who struggle with codependency and approval addiction, that relationship has been severely neglected, sometimes for decades.

Solitude is where you begin to rebuild it.

And I want to be clear that I am not talking about isolation or numbing out in front of a screen. I am talking about intentional, consistent time alone, where you practice the radical act of being with yourself without performing for anyone. No fixing, no managing, no making sure everyone else is okay. Just you, getting honest about what is actually going on inside.

This is where you begin to hear your own voice again. This is where you find out what you actually think, feel, want and need when no one is watching and no one needs anything from you.

Start small. Thirty minutes a day. No phone, no input. A walk, a journal, sitting in stillness. Notice what comes up. Notice the discomfort of not being needed or available. That discomfort is the pattern beginning to loosen its grip.

Over time, solitude stops feeling lonely and starts feeling like coming home. Because the relationship you are building is the most important one you will ever have.

Speaking Your Truth

One of the most powerful things you can do to rebuild your sense of self is to begin speaking your truth, even in small doses and even when your voice shakes a little.

Every time you say what you actually think instead of what keeps the peace, you send a signal to your nervous system: I am here and I matter. My experience is real.

Every time you hold a boundary instead of collapsing it, that same signal fires.

Every time you choose honesty over harmony, you are doing the work of coming back to yourself.

This does not mean becoming blunt or careless with the people you love. It means letting them experience the actual you instead of the version of you that has been carefully managed to keep everyone comfortable.

The people worth keeping in your life will not leave when you become more honest. Most of the time, they will respect you more. And the relationships that cannot survive your truth were not built on solid ground to begin with.

Before you respond to anyone today, pause. Take one breath. And ask yourself: what do I actually feel right now and what do I actually need?

Not what they need, not what would keep the peace. What is true for you, right now, in this moment.

That question, practiced consistently, begins to rebuild everything that codependency eroded.

How to Begin Breaking the Cycle

Step 1: Name it. Identify the pattern without shame. Codependency, self-abandonment, enmeshment. Put real words to what you have been living. You cannot change what you have not clearly seen.

Step 2: Trace it. Where did this begin? What did love look like in your home growing up? What did you have to become, or stop being, to feel safe and connected?

Step 3: Feel it. Sit with the grief of having left yourself. Many people skip straight to fixing, which is honestly just another form of self-abandonment. Let yourself feel what this has cost you and extend yourself some love and grace in the process.

Step 4: Take radical self ownership. Acknowledge the desire to project and blame, both your current partner and whoever did this to you. Honor and validate that part of you with empathy. A key ingredient is acceptance, which then leads to forgiveness, which leads to completion of the energy cycle. Dr. Edith Eva Eger, Holocaust survivor and renowned psychologist, speaks beautifully to this by reminding us that we cannot choose what happens to us, but we can always choose how we respond. Check out her TedX talk for a powerful short snippet on breaking the cycle and moving forward rather than perpetuating it.

Step 5: Get into a calm and grounded state. It’s hard to unenmesh when you’re in a dysregulated state. If you have a short breath through your chest, you’re not regulated. 

Step 6: Upgrade your language. Start with the “I am learning to” structure. Use it daily. Write it down or say it out loud to yourself. Your nervous system is listening.

Step 7: Build one boundary. Start with one small, clear boundary and let it hold. Notice the discomfort that follows. Stay with it and let it pass.

Step 8: Practice solitude. Thirty minutes a day, intentionally alone. The whole focus is you, getting to know yourself again.

Step 9: Speak one true thing. Say something today that you would normally keep to yourself. It doesn’t have to be big or perfect. It just has to be honest. Your voice is a muscle and it gets stronger every time you use it.

Step 10: Get support. This pattern was formed in relationship and it heals in relationship. Therapy, coaching, trusted community. You do not have to do this alone. In fact, trying to do it alone is often just another expression of the pattern itself. If you are interested in working with our team, book a mutual discovery call with Melissa, our lead facilitator and codependency specialist, to learn how we can support you on your path toward deeper healing.

Step 11: Repeat without requiring perfection. Nervous system rewiring is not linear. You will have days where the old pattern wins. That is not failure. That is the process working exactly as it should. Every rep counts and it gets easier the more consistently you practice.

Resources for Going Deeper

Books

Podcasts

You Make Sense by Sarah Baldwin

The Mark Groves Podcast

Wellness + Wisdom Podcast

The Biology of Trauma With Dr. Aimie Apigian

The Cure for Chronic Pain with Nicole Sachs, LCSW

YouTube

You Were Never the Problem

Chris was not broken. He learned what love required of him and he gave it, at the expense of himself.

Emily was not controlling by nature. She stepped into a role that the dynamic demanded and she was exhausted by it.

Neither of them were the problem. The pattern was the problem, and the pattern can change.

Co-dependency did not define their relationship. It was only one part of it. And they both courageously allowed a new part to take hold, co-empowerment, two whole people choosing each other freely and honestly without either one of them having to disappear in the process.

That same thing is available to you.

Sometimes it begins with one honest conversation or one boundary that finally holds. Sometimes it is a single quiet morning alone, sitting with yourself long enough to remember who you actually are.

You have always been worth coming home to.

If you want to go deeper on your own first, my book The Genius Within: Your Natural Pathway to Impact, Fulfillment and Wealth walks you through the exact process I use with clients to break through the patterns holding them back. Grab your copy here.

And if you are ready to talk to someone, my team would love to connect with you. Melissa is our lead facilitator and codependency specialist and she does our first discovery calls personally. She will get to know you, your story, and what you are looking for, and together you will figure out the best path forward. Book a call with Melissa here.

In your corner, 

Mike

P.S. The most radical act of love you will ever perform isn’t saving someone else. It’s finally deciding that you are worth saving too.

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